Discovering the truth

In my last post I told you all that I wrote to a supervisor to see if I could get a quicker response to my request for my non-identifying info. Well, within a couple days I got a response back and my concerns were forwarded to the supervisors office of the LA district and then they reached out to the liaison at Department of Children and Family Services. So many channels to go through, but they were quick and very helpful! That same day I got the email and a phone call from the Acting Assistant Regional Administrator in charge of Post Adoptive Services at DCFS. His response was not a very hopeful one, as he estimated it would still take about 60-90 days until they would be able to get to my request. oh great more waiting, not what I wanted to hear. Although I was grateful to get a personal reply from him and to know he saw I had previously been calling for updates. So I had no choice but to continue to wait. But I would continue to ask for updates! Which I did, one month after he contacted me, and I received some great news! My case had been assigned to someone is post adoptive services!! FINALLY!!

I emailed back and fourth with this person, sent over info she requested and even had a couple phone conversations. She was super helpful and worked on my case as quick as she could. I didn't feel the need to keep asking for updates as I had some good vibes that she would keep me updated.

One of her fist updates to me, was informing me that I had a sister who would be a couple years older than me!! I use to always say I wanted a sister, and it would seem as I do!! I was also informed that I had an older brother! WOW...the info was just pouring in!! How exciting! She mentioned that they both were not adopted, but where in the foster care system and in different homes. They were also half siblings since they had different fathers. But this was all such crazy and exciting new info! I quickly let my search angel know of the updates and she was excited for me as well. We still needed to wait for my non-id info though for further research and clues to lead me to my bio parents and family.

The wait really wasn't long at all, within a week my non-id info was ready and sent to me via email. To say I was nervous to read it is an understatement. I had so many emotions, and fear was one of them too. I can't explain it, I had been wanting this for so long, and it was finally here.

As I read through the report, my eyes filled with tears. My heart sank, and I kept stopping to wipe my eyes. My heart was breaking and I wasn't sure how to feel about all this info I was reading. I felt some betrayal, and anger. I felt sad, and lost. I even felt unwanted. All kinds of emotions just over came me, and I continued to cry. I eventually got through the report and then needed some time to myself. I didn't know how to cope with this new information. I sent it over to my search angel, so that she could begin gathering clues and hopefully find my birth parents and siblings.

I can imagine some, if not most of you, are curious as to what that report told me. So I will share some of it with you, and try to sum it all up the best I can. Remember this is Non-Identifying information, therefore my birth family names and identifying information is not in this report.

My mothers ethnicity is: Mexican, Salvadorian, and Hungarian. My father is Salvadorian. At the time of my birth, my mother was 30 years old and my father was 22. Neither were married. My mother was catholic and my fathers religion was unknown. They had no information on my fathers health info. Unfortunately it would seem my mothers health noted that she had a history of drug abuse and mental issues. My father had no previous children, and it was noted that my mother had another daughter, who was 2 years older than me, and a brother about 8 years older than I was.

My father was born in El Salvador, and moved to Southern California in 1981 with his mother and step father. He only spoke Spanish. He and my mother met because they were neighbors. He lived with her and her mother for some time but separated a few months before I was born.

My mother was born in Southern California and was the eldest of 3 children. She lived on and off with my maternal grandmother and it was found that my mother had a negative relationship with her.

The next section will be about the circumstance surrounding my adoption. It isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It is a harsh reality, or as much of it that I discovered. It hurt so much to learn all this. But I have grown strong from it. As mentioned before, this was a difficult read and may be so even for you readers. And with all this said, I want to put a disclaimer ** This is not meant to make anyone, especially my birth mother seem like a bad person. She had struggles, and demons she was fighting. The negative is not who she is, it's her past. A rough one.

When I was about 6 months old, the Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) began investigating allegations that my mother was under the influence of drugs and had mental issues including suicide attempts. I was living in the home of my maternal grandmother, with my mom and my two siblings. My father was contacted and planned to take me to live with him and his mother and stepfather and have a babysitter watch me. My mother was instructed to get counseling and to get drug tested. One month later, I was placed with my father and paternal grandmother. My siblings were placed in different foster homes and my mother enrolled in a drug treatment program shortly after.

Unfortunately, 5 months after being placed with my father, I was now 1 years old, I was removed from the home and placed in a foster home, as it was found he was unable to adequately care for me. Sadly, my mother did not finish her program and was dismissed from it. The court ordered my mother to find adequate housing, participate in counselling and to make regular visits to myself and my siblings. It breaks my heart to say, but sadly, she did not comply.

A few months prior to my 3rd birthday I was placed in a home with a family, who would later adopt me. Shortly after it was reported that my mother had not made any visits to me or my siblings and had not been in contact with the department. My father informed the department that he was unable to care for me and stated that he wanted me to be placed in an adoptive home "where they can give her love and care".

A year or so later, DCFS interviewed my mother at my maternal grandmothers, where she was living along with my maternal aunt. The home was not in the best living conditions. My mother stated that she did not agree with me being adopted, yet she was not complying with court orders and had not visited me for over a year. Sadly the whereabouts of my father also became unknown.

In December of 1988, the court terminated the parental rights of both my mother and father. My fathers whereabouts where still unknown. Over the next couple of years, I was seen by a social worker on a regular basis. And in March of 1991, at the age of 7, my adoption was finalized.

If your crying, like I am, go grab a tissue and wipe those tears away. Life isn't always easy, and doesn't always workout the way we want or hope. I was only a baby, a child when this all happened. Yes it is so heartbreaking, and going over it again, it still hurts and it stings. I was so sad, so angry so confused. I wanted answers, I wanted to know why. WHY did this happen? I even felt, unwanted, like I was unloved. This isn't true. I've learned that I can't question this. It is what it is. I don't know and can't understand the struggles my mother faced, I can only imagine the pain she must have been going through. We all make mistakes, we all have struggles, and I empathize with her. She is still my mother, regardless. I am blessed and I was placed in a good home. I was loved and cared for.

On November 3rd, 2008 my mother passed. R.I.L. Mom