Fighting a new trauma

Hello hello. So like most of the world, I have been confined to my home for about 2 months. No thanks to COVID. 24/7 with my hubby and kiddo. My husband goes out on his own to get groceries or any supplies we might need. The only time all 3 of us leave the house is if I had to go to the dispensary. 🌿 I haven’t gone out driving anywhere, or visited any supermarket,or any place on my own since this all started. I love my family dearly and I love spending time with them. During this time, both my husband and I have each become more self aware of ourselves. Even taking on meditation more daily! We are each working on being our best selfs. Gaining closeness with each other and communicating more. But I suddenly realized, I was missing my ”alone time”. By that I mean, just me solo dolo, no child, or spouse around. Even alone , just me in the house would be cool. Sure I can get some time, by closing myself off in a room, or taking a shower/ bath, but it’s not the same. It does helps, but at that time, being seperaterted by walls didn’t completely count as “alone time” to me. I was starting to feel overwhelmed. I felt the need to get out! 😩 I obviously can’t run to the store alone. Well... sure I can really, but out of precaution, my husband wanted myself and our daughter to stay home at all times. He didn’t want to risk it.

With the state slowly opening up, and some restrictions being lifted, I decided I was going to go out alone to run errands during the week.🙌🏽 There were some things I wanted to get and now that stores were open, I wanted to grab them. I told my husband, and he was strangely ok with it! Lol Perhaps he sensed my need?🤔🤷🏽‍♀️ Of course he mentioned me needing to be safe, wearing my mask (it is still a requirement here), bringing hand sanitizer, etc. I was honestly nervous, and when the day came that I had planned to run errands, I was close to not going. I mean I could just stay home, be safe and comfy and I could order things online! NO! I got ready, had my coffee, had some cannabis💨, grabbed my purse, mask,hand sanitizer, kissed my husband and daughter then I was off!

Well I don’t know why, and I can’t completely explain it, but I was feeling so scared just to drive alone!!😩 Seriously. Whhhyy??!! I mean I’ve driven before, it’s not hard! Why did I feel so uneasy just driving?! I turned on some tunes, to ease my mind and drove to my first destination. I really didn’t even have many places to go actually. Only had 2 stops to do. Once I got to my first stop, I turned off the car, text my husband I had arrived, and then sat in the car for 10 mins🤦🏽‍♀️ That might seem long to you, but boy did that 10 mins feel like an eternity. I was trying to hype myself up, that I could do this. Again I questioned why I was so scared just to go shop?! My heart was beating fast, I felt shakey. I wanted to cry. I almost did actually. This made no sense to me. As I looked up, I noticed most people were wearing a mask or face covering. Some even had on gloves for extra extra safety. And there were a few who didn’t wear any face covering. I felt a little relieved that people seemed to be trying to stay safe. I really feel uncomfortable having to wear a mask out to shop. 😷It’s hot, I feel like I can’t breath, hurts my ears, my makeup is going to get all over the mask, what’s the point of wearing lipstick now! Lol But in all seriousness, it’s just a weird thing, to HAVE to do now. It honestly feels like everyone is looking at each other like were all suspects and have the virus already. Everything we touch, is potentially contaminated. Wipe it all down!! Stay 6ft away! Omg did someone cough?!😳😭Is that what it’s going to be like around friends & family? 😩🤦🏽‍♀️ We are all just being safe and doing our best at protecting ourself, but this vibe this feeling is weird, and I don’t like it. I don’t want to feel this way.

Well I want you to know, I made it out the car and did my shopping! Yay me!! I did it, felt uncomfortable but did my best to just relax, get what I need, and remain as “normal” as I could. I mean idk what that is any more🤷🏽‍♀️ Being inside the stores also felt some what strange. There are now cart sanitizing stations, and hand sanitizer dispensers at the entrance & exits of stores. As I Was going down the aisles I realized the aisles had arrows on the ground directing the flow of traffic in one direction. Oops my bad, I apparently was going the wrong way!😆 I wasn’t the only one who didn’t notice the signage though. 🤦🏽‍♀️ And then the plexiglass covering at the registers, yea that’s crazy too. Of course when standing in line for checkout, they have markers 6ft apart too, and signs reminding everyone to practice social distancing. For the most part, people did practice social distancing. But sadly, there was more than one occasion when a shopper got a little too close to me when looking for an item on the shelf. 🙄I simply and politely distanced myself from them. Bye Felicia. 😅 I finished up my shopping trip with a stop at the grocery store, which wasn’t so bad, but I still had that weird nervous feeling. I have shopped tons of times by myself. This time, it was a whole new experience. It’s just so strange, to look up and see everyone with a face covering. 😷 Shields protecting the cashiers, managers wearing gloves and masks, employees sanitizing high touchable surfaces. Social Distancing. Like wow. Never would I have thought the world would be like this. I was extremely relieved once I made it back home. I was proud of myself for being brave, but happier to be back with my family.👨‍👩‍👧 I honestly don’t know when I’ll go back out shopping alone. I’ll have to do it gradually, and get comfortable I guess. It sounds so weird that I even have to say that!😩 Having to adjust to the whole world changing can be overwhelming. It’s not a small change.

I talked to my husband, told him about all the feelings and the anxiety I had about shopping and driving alone, and he of course said “ Well I guess I can’t let you go alone then.” 😜 That sounds fine and dandy to me! Lol But I do feel like I gotta keep at it, and slowly fight through this. It’s a new form of trauma. How crazy is that?! This pandemic from Covid has created a fear in MANY, not just me. Trauma comes in many forms, and we don’t always see or even realize we have or are already experiencing it. I really think it’s silly I feel this way, but I‘m also realizing that it’s also okay to feel this way. I’m learning to be kind to myself.❤️ I’m going to get through this, just like I have with many things. One step at a time. We really do have to help and support each other during this time. And I’m seeing and experiencing first hand. We got this! I Hope that my sharing might help others also know, they aren’t alone. ❤️❤️