My inner struggles

I don't really know how to write about this or even begin to talk about it really. It feels strange I guess to even talk about this, but I'll do the best I can. Life is not by any means perfect. I wish I could say all was great and I'm the happiest person there could be! But I cannot say that. So here it is: I suffer from anxiety, and even border line depression. Whaaat??!! But I'm always so happy, and smiling, my pictures look like I'm doing great with my family, when I'm out everything seems good! Well of course it does. Most people don't post pictures of their sad and depressing times, or times of troubles. We try to remain happy and in good spirits when with friends and family. We let people see what we want them to see. But I have come to realize that I tend to over worry, over think, over analyze, make assumptions, then I stress over these thoughts, and worries, and I become exhausted. This happens almost daily. There are times where it feels like everything is ok, my brain isn't over doing it and all is good. I can keep myself entertained, and keep busy, be happy and divert my thoughts so my anxiety doesn't take over. It doesn't always work unfortunately and I'll suddenly feel flooded with emotions and worry. I'll cry for what seems like no reason, then get mad that I'm crying, and all kinds of thoughts can flood my brain. It goes anywhere from worrying that I'm wasting my day, not being active enough, needing to workout more, maybe I should eat healthier, needing to do laundry, worrying I haven't cleaned up the house enough, what am I going to eat today, what to fix for dinner, having enough money to do the things we want to do, whether or not I'm doing a good job at parenting, worrying if I was too strict on my daughter, worrying if I wasn't strict enough. I Wonder if I'm making my husband happy, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Wondering what life would be like if we stayed in Hawaii, would I still be this way, what about my friends, do they hate me for my lack of communication, do they miss me as much as I miss them, what if they forget me, but of course they wouldn't right?! What about my friends I have here? I don't have many, But I do have some. I then I worry about that. Friendship, am I being a good friend, my communication has fallen a lot and I'm not as active on social media, so maybe that makes me not such a good friend? I know it doesn't, that's silly to think! I wonder about my future, what's going to happen, will my family be ok financially, what about a future job, do I want one, or do I continue to be a stay at home mama, do I want to get in the work force? Oh, but wait I don't speak Spanish, that shouldn't matter right? But it does and I try my best to not let that worry me. Will I pursue the career I want, will I be able to do it? Will I be successful? People keep asking me what am I going to do for work, how do I answer them, why do they keep asking me? What's wrong with being a stay at home mom? Who said I had to work a 9-5? Am I doing something wrong? Should I do more? Can I handle more? I mean being a mom really is tough as it is,and takes so much of my energy.

Of course finding my birth family is all over my brain too. Trying to connect with my sisters, trying to engage in conversations, learning about where I came from, discovering things about my family. Learning about them. I worry whether or not others will accept me as family, do they care? Should I purse a relationship with them? Am I going to find my father and the other side of my family? Will I ever get to visit them and meet them? I worry what if I'm doing too much, should I be asking so many questions, is it ok, maybe I shouldn't ask so much, maybe I shouldn't do this or that, what if I make things worse, what if what if what if. All these what if's lead to other thoughts and scenarios, which lead to more thoughts, questions, concerns, and ugh...it's a mess.

Before I had my daughter even before I met my husband, I use to have some terrible thoughts. I use to think things like, maybe things would be better off with out me, I don't want to have to worry or stress any more. If I'm gone, then It'll go away and no one will need to worry about me so much. Life was too stressful and I was tired of hurting, and I felt so alone. It's crazy to say, but these thoughts started probably when I was about 15, and just carried over to adult hood. But thankfully I found love, friendship and the strength to carry on. I found the love of my life and I had my beautiful daughter. I will carry on forever, for her. Those thoughts are a thing of the past.

So very much runs through my brain like a hamster on a wheel who never takes a break! And this isn't everything obviously! If I wrote about all the thoughts that run through my head and all the worries and silly stuff, I might give you some anxiety too!! lol

There's a lot of things that fill my brain, and there are times when this thinking really does interfere with my life. I lose hours of sleep because of it. Sometimes I don't want to leave the house or talk to anyone. It causes issues in my marriage, disagreements start, and worry sets in, I feel antisocial, I feel troubled, I feel lost, I feel confused,I feel frustrated, I feel overwhelmed, I feel...anxious. Sometimes it's hard to enjoy the good things. I had my first experience where I literally felt like I couldn't even get out of the car and didn't want to be around other people. I felt like it was hard to breath, I felt shaky, I had to calm myself down and take a deep breathe. I just wanted to go home and hide. Like I said there are times when all is ok, and I can keep my mind busy and it just doesn't bother me. When I find myself over reacting and crying so hard because of my thoughts, I have to take a breather. I have to find a way to calm myself and my thoughts. So I'll meditate, and I pray. And I swear every time I do this it helps. Some times it takes a few tries lol. I take a deep breath, and basically ask the big man upstairs for help, I ask for guidance and strength. Sometimes it feels like I'm pleading with him! lol I do have other avenues I use as well to help relax my brain, and it helps greatly, but there are times when I don't even feel like doing those too, or anything at all. It's a never ending battle sometimes. I know I can get it under control and manage this all. I just have to have the right support, and I'm learning to open up and talk more. It is by no means easy or simple. One of my biggest supports is my husband. It is harder on him I think because he doesn't always understand why I act the way I do, why I'll cry over things or hold things in then explode later and have a cry fest! I worry him when I don't mean too. But he's learning, and I'm learning as well to be expressive with him. He encourages me to talk to him all the time. I feel like it's my fault for not doing so more often. And for hiding my inner struggles. But he has never put any blame on me for that. I love him so much for that and learning to be patient with me. I know it's not easy for him. It's funny because I feel like I can give out some great advice and motivate him, but yet I don't know how to completely take my own advice.

My other great supporter is one of my best friends. I love her to pieces and she always is there to help me gain mental clarity and never judges me or thinks less of me. She knows the struggles and helps me as much as she can whenever I need her. It was hard to even open up to her, as I haven't opened up about this to anyone really. Until now. Writing is one way that helps me through this.

Have I gotten professional help? No, I have not. Perhaps one day I will consider it, but for now I think I will be ok. I'm taking baby steps to change and I'm doing good.

I don't talk much about this because, well, it's hard to, and I don't want others to think I'm simply over reacting or make assumptions about me.(there it is again, my anxiety, even as I type this lol) This topic can really be hush hush, and almost like taboo, when it really shouldn't be. This is my story, and this is my experience, my struggles that I go through. I'm still me, just fighting a different fight than others, and trying my best to get through it and stand tall. I try my best to be positive and keep motivated. My family keeps me going. My daughter is depending on me, she looks up to me and absorbs so much! I don't want her to see me this way. I know she will always love me not matter what, but I have to stay strong for her, for my husband, for ME.