Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day to all you amazing mamas out there! I struggle with this day and even with the topic a bit. Motherhood is hard. I mean what mother doesn’t struggle a little. With me now being a mother I truly understand,and even appreciate the struggle so much more. The struggle for me is also the struggle of not having a mom to look up to, to appreciate, to confide in, or even call upon. Ever since I knew I was adopted, I immediately had this “you’re not my real mom” syndrome of thinking towards my adoptive mom. Although I would never ever say those words out loud as a child to my mother, adoptive or not! Haha But yea….not that I didn’t love my adoptive mother. I’m sure I did! Why do I say it like I don’t remember, well because I don’t. Is it weird? Maybe , I don’t know. Haha But I do know we had good times, I do remember smiling and being happy and feeling loved. Also at some point I just don’t recall having that “I love my mom, she’s the best ever!” Feeling. That mom and daughter connection. All I can recall, is thinking, she’s not my real mother, so we don’t and won’t ever feel that connection. So perhaps that mindset and thinking, stopped me from being able to have one. Also it could be because my mom scared me. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, my mother definitely frighten me. I was scared to make her angry, or upset in any kind of way. It usually came with a spanking or slap or some sort of punishment, that generally no kid wants. I never was close to or talked to my mom about boys, because I had to find a boy that my mom thought was acceptable to her standards. And well that wasn’t what I wanted it. Plus I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 30! Haha Anyways, what I’m getting at is, I am some what envious of those that do have a close connection with their mothers. No matter if it is only now that you have it, or you’ve always had it, good for you and I’m jelly! However I now, have a daughter, and I am now a mother. And I am working to break the generational gap! I want to do things differently so my daughter doesn’t have to feel scared of me and we can hopefully be close and have a great open relationship. I know it may seem like, wait if that was your adoptive mother, what generational gap are you breaking? Well my actual one. See I don’t know much about my birth mother. I’ve written about her before in my previous blog entries. I even dedicated a Mother’s Day post to her. I have forgiven her and accept her for who she was. She wasn’t perfect, no mother is. But as mothers, we also rarely admit our faults and imperfections. I think we try to be the perfect example for our children whenever possible. This is because of society. This is because as long as I can remember, a mother, is the care taker of the house. She is in charge of the cooking, cleaning, carrying & birthing the children, teaching, consoling, attending too, feeding, go to school activities, get her own education, go to work, schedule appointments, pay the bills, you know do all of the things pretty much. She gives up and sacrifices so much to take care of her family. But in all of these things, there’s rarely ever a mention of a break, a time to herself, never is there a mention of empathy and appreciation for the woman who must bare it all not only physically but also emotionally. That part is so important. Emotionally, unless you are in it, you may not understand this part and that is ok. But to acknowledge it and know that mothers definitely take on a lot, and it’s ok for us to not be perfect. And it’s ok to not feel perfect. It takes more than one hallmark day to recognize moms. No book can prepare you for mother hood, or for parenting, period. But I understand the struggle now. And I’m still learning and gaining new insight on this struggle. It’s not for everyone. It can be so so hard. To know that I never got to know my birth mother because she choose another lifestyle over me, angers me, and it also saddens me. Because I wonder what kind of struggles she must have gone through, what kind of thoughts did she have, did she feel lonely, over whelmed, scared? Was she un prepared, did she feel lonely or angry? I’ll never know, but I do know, and I feel like she was unable to care for her children in the way that is healthy and happy, because she’s herself was not healthy or happy at the time.

We have to be ok with taking care of our own personal health and happiness. It’s essential so that we can take care of our of loved ones, and take on the responsibilities we have as mothers, and as adults. It’s not selfish or wrong to ask for some time yourself, to want to do what YOU enjoy and take a break. It’s not selfish to put you first and take care of your well being. I wonder how things would look differently if this type of thinking was around way back in the day.

Back to me envying those with mothers to call upon, or even to talk about….I envy you. I don’t have that. I don’t even have someone who closely resembles that to me. If you’ve read my previous entries, or know me and my story, then you know it’s been a looooong time since I’ve talked to my adoptive mother. That’s another topic..haha But I just lack that motherly connection to my own “mom” So this day feels odd sometimes. Of course I wish the mothers I know a Happy Mothers Day, but then I guess sometimes I feel sad that I don’t have my own mother to really wish a Happy Mother’s day to, or make cute picture collages and make fun social media stuff to post. I know that’s silly, but yea thoughts I get sometimes.

But then I remember, I AM A MOM! It’s something I use to think I would never be able to be. I wasn’t even sure I could handle it when I knew I was going to be one! It’s by far the toughest job, which constantly keeps me on my toes and I question myself constantly! “Am I doing this right? Was that ok? Ugh why doesn’t she listen? Did I do something wrong?” Mothering comes with ups and downs, ins and outs, dos and don’t, but most importantly it comes with unconditional love. No matter if I’m frustrated , and overwhelmed, confused, and lost, tired and hungry, I’ll always love my baby girl, because without her I wouldn’t be a mother and the person I am today. I know I’m not perfect and I’m doing the best I can. Every day is a chance to learn and grow,and do things differently and break that generational gap. No matter what, I know she’ll love me always. I celebrate motherhood everyday! And it’s more than ok to ask for some off today or any day! As mothers, our day to shine and be recognized goes beyond one day of the year. I’m reminded of how wonderful and blessed I am to be a mother, every time I look at my beautiful daughter and my loving husband.