Fear of not waking up

The title may seem a little strange and perplexing to those who wonder, “What do you mean, the fear of not waking up? Why would you be afraid of not waking up?” Let me share how my Saturday morning went, which will explain the title. I don’t want you to think that I have this fear all the time, especially the fear I felt Saturday night. Stay tuned because here comes a story.

Saturday started out like any other normal Saturday. I got to sleep in a bit, then woke up, took care of my daughter’s breakfast, and got her set up for the day. She was entertaining herself, so I decided to go outside with Peach, our dog, and enjoy the beautiful, sunny weather. I did some stretching, grounding, and meditation, and even went live on Instagram. Rosalina joined me for a bit, then wanted to play with her friends across the street, and asked if I could take her.

As I was getting ready to change clothes, I squatted down by a drawer and was getting something out when all of a sudden I felt an excruciating sharp pain. I can only explain it as a snapping, pulling, or a breaking of like fibers in the back of my knee. After some Google research, I realized that this was probably my hamstring but I didn't know that at the time.

All I know is that I felt this pain in the back of my knee while I was squatting and it hurt so bad that I let out a yell and screamed in pain. Then I kind of fell over onto my side because the pain hurt so much. It started to kind of fade a little bit and I tried to sit up when all of a sudden the room started to spin. I felt extremely lightheaded and then, I blacked out. I don't know what happened but my husband explain to me what happened and from his description I passed out for what felt like forever for him. It could've only been about 20 seconds or so, but he said I passed out and I was curled up but then my eyes started to roll to the back of my head and then my body stretched out and he was trying to wake me. He tried to call 911. He was so nervous that he didn't even get to call 911. He was just trying to figure out what was happening with me. My daughter was also there at that time and she saw it and I believe she was crying and my husband was trying to keep her calm while also trying to keep himself calm and figure out what was happening with me. He said he kept trying to call my name, but I was unresponsive and that my eyes were in the back of my head.

Eventually I came too, I sat up and I just felt very confused. I didn't even know where I was for a bit. I was also extremely hot and clammy. I was trying to take deep breathes and I guess just come back to myself. I looked at my hands my whole body just felt like numbing, and like theere was wierd sensation over me. My hands felt like they were shaking, but they visibly didn't look like they were shaking. It felt as if they were like vibrating like when you are holding onto the lawnmower or the Weedwhacker for a long time, then you turn it off your hands or feel like they're still doing that vibrating motion. That's what my hands felt like for a moment, and my body was just hot clammy and I was just really confused , I felt nauseous as well and thought I was going to throw up. Luckily I didn't. I then was suddenly cold, and shivering. I got myself together enough for us to walk to the car so my husband could to take me to the ER. I thought maybe I wouldn't need to go to the ER but my husband insisted that we go to figure out what was wrong because it was a very scary moment for him and he doesn't want that to happen again. His fear really was that he was going to lose me. Thinking about that now, it just makes me feel so sad. I feel like "no I'm not going anywhere!"

It feels like when it all happened I was just really still kind of in a daze and confused mind and just I felt really tired afterwards. I was in the ER for at least six hours. I was feeling light headed and low on energy. I hadn't eaten yet, which I'm sure didn't help. I had planned on eating, but then this all happened and so I was in the hospital and they wouldn't let me eat. I couldn't even drink water but they gave me an IV for nutrients which definitely helped me so that I didn't feel lightheaded anymore. Then they took some bloodwork, and also did a urine sample. I even got a CT scan to make sure to make sure my head was ok, since I did fall over and just to see what might've happened. I also had an EKG to check my heart.

All the test came out good there was nothing fearful or anything to be concerned or worried about to hold me overnight, which is a blessing because I did not want to stay overnight at the hospital if I don't have to. After all the tests and everything we're confirmed everything was normal and I was OK, they went ahead and released me from the ER. They did suggest that I follow up with a neurologist because it did sound like what had happened was I might've had a seizure. Wtf? A seizure?! The description that my husband gave really sounded like a seizure, and the way that I guess that I came out of that feeling could've been the same kind of symptoms. But because the action didn't actually happen at the hospital it was it was pretty hard for them to really know for sure if that's what had happened. So I got my discharge papers and the number for a neurologist.

As soon as we left, we went and got some food because I was starving. We got some Chick-fil-A, got home, ate and I got to smoke smoke a couple bowls! Which definitely helped me relax. I was already feeling tired when I was at the hospital. After that whole incident I really was so tired I kind of just wanted to sleep. It was really hard to try to sleep at the hospital though.

After eating and smoking, I was feeling really tired and I was ready for bed. As I was preparing to lay down and go to sleep and close my eyes, I had this overwhelming fear that I wouldn't wake up. I had this fear that after I go to sleep, what if I had a seizure again? What if it happened while I was sleeping? What if I close my eyes and I didn't wake up? It was a really scary thought and it felt hard for me to try to go to sleep and I honestly thought about keeping this fear to myself. "I'm not going to tell my husband, I don't want to worry him."

These thoughts just felt too hard on my brain to sleep, so I decided to let him know. I told him about the fear I was having, and that I was really afraid to close my eyes and sleep because I had a fear of not waking up. He held me close and comforted me and let me know that everything was gonna be OK and that I would wake up because the results from the ER came back positive and that there was nothing to be concerned about and then I got a good bill of health leaving and so I will wake up and everything will be OK. I cried and he did his best to comfort me and just let me know that it'll be OK and that he's right there if anything. So I took his words and I did my best to quite and calm my mind down and think about that fact that I did have a good clean bill of health leaving the ER and I'll be OK and I need to go to sleep. I needed to rest because I will wake up.

I did eventually get to sleep, and I did wake up the next morning. I actually think I woke up a couple times but I did fully awake and rise and I was OK and felt sense of relief. What a blessing to say I woke up. Such a weird scary feeling to think "what if I don't wake up" and I don't want to have to have that ever again. I woke up. I felt well rested and everything seemed OK.

Something I do kind of strangely recall during the time that I was, I guess I was passed out or unconscious was what felt like, memories or flashes of pictures going through my mind. I don't know if that's what you would call your life flashing before your eyes but I felt like things or memories were playing in my mind. The last thing I kind of remember seeing was this old picture that my friend had actually just recently showed me. It was of me and her and another friend, from a long time ago at Disneyland before I left to move to Hawaii. Which was so long ago! She happened to DM me a picture of that on Instagram recently and strangely in that moment when I was passed out, I think that was the last thing I kind of remember seeing in my head was those pictures. I think I was kind of trying to remember what happened during that day in those pictures. I don't really remember that memory. I think that was like the last image or vision that was scrambling through my brain while I was passed out before I really came too. Coming too felt like coming out of a bubble, or from swimming under water.

This was all little scary. It really was. I am still trying to put it together. What happened because I still don't have answers. Why did that happen? Was that pain in the back of my knee so great that I passed out? What was that pain in the back of my knee? Did that pain have anything to do with why I passed out? Will it happen again? I certainly hope it doesn't. Why would I have a seizure? Did I have a seizure?

I guess I won't really know anything until I see the neurologist.

Everything that happened yesterday just happened so quickly in a way and just it just felt so strange and I was just so confused yesterday but I'm glad the test they ran came out fine, and I did not have to stay overnight. I did have a good clean bill of health leaving. It was a scary day yesterday, and it was a scary time last night, especially being fearful that I might not wake up.

Today is a new day. I feel real rested, but still tired and in a bit of fog and I feel like I just kind of want to take it easy today. Yesterday was a very hard and heavy day for my whole family. It's just so weird to think that I might've had a seizure, it's just strange I don't know how to feel about it, besides scared. I just pray I don't have to have another occurrence like that and that everything will be OK. I will be seen by the neurologist soon.

Saturday was a wild and scary crazy day. A day where we each thought a life was going to be lost. From passing out, to me thinking I might not wake up the next day. I never want my family to go through this again. I'm blessed to live to see another day and hope to see many more with my family by my side.

Thanks for reading and I'll update as soon as I can with what happens at the Neurologist.